You ever wake up with a song in your heart? now imagine forgetting all the words, the beat is there but the words don’t come, that’s what its like living with dyslexia. I had a conversation with a good friend about achieving dreams, she told me to make a vision board view it then work to make it happen, and that makes sense but really what holds me back is I am scared, scared as hell I’m going to fail. I know failure is part of life,. Right? you fail or fall and get back up, well I have fallen a couple of times and I rise but never the same when I do. I don’t know what you think dyslexia is, the truth is, it is different for everyone that lives with it. What I can tell you it is not just that numbers jumble, I read things and sometimes see words that aren’t there skip sentences or at first glance read it so fast I don’t understand fully what I read, and yet still took it in. Imagine applying that to signing a contract, I can know exactly what I am supposed to do rehearse it even and when it is time to go forget every detail, apply that to a relationship, friendship. And as I said it’s not just numbers or not just as simple as that. I am an adult and the biggest fear in my adult life is managing my checkbook, understanding fees, how and when transactions are detracted from your account, now imagine I started a business (one of the many great ideas I have) and one wrong purchase can end that. Dyslexia is my memory, my math, my speech, and at times my confidence, and nobody understands this like I do.
I put four shelves up on my wall, they were to be equal height mirrored on opposite sides of a window and for literally four hours I couldn’t wrap my mind around the equation it took to mirror the look, the sad part was I had help and my good friend told me how to do it a few times it just didn’t make sense to me, she explained it, she was right I would agree go to the wall and lose it, admittedly this may be my fault I hid my disability from everyone way into my adult life. I was so good at it that when I started telling people I have dyslexia no one believed me. Hell I graduated High school ,passed college entrance exams, and attended until it all became too much, it was a fight every assignment, every test was the fight of my life. And I am so proud of myself for making it, but I did it to fit in, I did it because I was too proud to ask for help, I just wanted to be normal. What scares me now is, it all really counts no more parents house, and high school now is when I have responsibilities and I am supposed to use those things I crammed, was taught, and took in to live my life. Problem is I forget easily, I can be confused easily, and honestly can’t do this on my own (wonder how I do every day) then add to this weight all of the people who count on me as the voice of reason, in any way possible I take care of everyone I can when they need me but can never really put into words what’s going on with me, likely because I forget the words when I need them or just don’t know them.
That song I lost the words to, beats in my head daily, some days are better than others but truth is I will never get all the words and it is so frustrating but it’s my life, and I’m scared because you can’t fix this I only want you to understand it. -Vonte