dyslexia

I Just Refuse.

maxresdefault(before we start please excuse what grammatical errors I may have missed I suffer from dyslexia)

I refuse to believe that people can be so naive. It has come to a point where it hurts so much that I don’t have the energy to complain anymore.
I watched the full Tomi Lahren interview her arguments spew white privilege so I want to set some things straight. Things got interesting when the conversation turned to BLM and black people protesting,  she feels that Colin Kapernick  is doing things the wrong way taking it our on the flag and the anthem. Trevor Noah then asked her How? How? is he supposed to protest correctly,  as a black man if we march in the streets people say we are thugs if we go out and protest people say it’s a riot and if we kneel that is still not the right, to which she had no answer Tomi was then asked how would she protest? to which she answered, she does not, she will not protest about the country she lives in because she will not allow herself to be “a victim” even though she knows that women only received the right to vote after black people did.

There is still suffrage of woman to this day men in government and in church still think they know what a woman must do, so she won’t let that way her down that is great for her and all others who don’t. We as black people are amongst the few groups of people whom were actually enslaved. Wasn’t my generation? True! Yet history has and continues to glance over, listen I’ve learned more about Lief Erikson and Chris Columbus in history then I did what happened to Africans and Indians in school, we didn’t touch on slavery until the week we had to watch roots after having to read Huckleberry Finn. in school you are lead to believe that the thanksgiving of then was a great feat to bring people together but not told it was an apology for genocide ( I do now believe the holiday is more about family than a minuscule gesture it was then) but as a black person am I a victim? Yes I am. It starts with the education system glossing over accomplishments of people who overcome extreme hardships (and that’s not solely just the black struggle)  maybe mention the people of whom this country was built on the backs of, and those whom were trampled over,  add to that a prison system that in the 13th  amendment is described as a legal form of slavery. It hurts me to mention the fact that many white people want us to just get over it. What hardship have you faced that made you so insensitive to that of anyone not like you? Was it the factory job your grandfather lost or the farm you had to abandon? Because on the other end of the spectrum people died, men women and children were separated from the families, property was taken from their ancestors by force and  humans were sold.

So fuck you, get over it. I promise I will begin to attempt to get over it when those of you who support the confederacy concede to the fact you lost the war so history or not your only flag should be the American, leave that lost battle and all its beliefs to the books in the library. As I sit here and my cursor blinks and on the days my mind races angered at how blind people can be, how intolerant, how naïve know that I am not asking you to jump on the front lines with the struggle of any other people if that’s not what you feel, I only ask that you sympathize, because when you sympathize you show that you acknowledge the suffrage. -Vonte

 

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I Believe I Found The Words.

  
You ever wake up with a song in your heart? now imagine forgetting all the words, the beat is there but the words don’t come, that’s what its like living with dyslexia. I had a conversation with a good friend about achieving dreams, she told me to make a vision board view it then work to make it happen, and that makes sense but really what holds me back is I am scared, scared as hell I’m going to fail. I know failure is part of life,. Right? you fail or fall and get back up, well I have fallen a couple of times and I rise but never the same when I do. I don’t know what you think dyslexia is, the truth is, it is different for everyone that lives with it. What I can tell you it is not just that numbers jumble, I read things and sometimes see words that aren’t there skip sentences or at first glance read it so fast I don’t understand fully what I read, and yet still took it in. Imagine applying that to signing a contract, I can know exactly what I am supposed to do rehearse it even and when it is time to go forget every detail, apply that to a relationship, friendship. And as I said it’s not just numbers or not just as simple as that. I am an adult and the biggest fear in my adult life is managing my checkbook, understanding fees, how and when transactions are detracted from your account, now imagine I started a business (one of the many great ideas I have) and one wrong purchase can end that. Dyslexia is my memory, my math, my speech, and at times my confidence, and nobody understands this like I do.
I put four shelves up on my wall, they were to be equal height mirrored on opposite sides of a window and for literally four hours I couldn’t wrap my mind around the equation it took to mirror the look, the sad part was I had help and my good friend told me how to do it a few times it just didn’t make sense to me, she explained it, she was right I would agree go to the wall and lose it, admittedly this may be my fault I hid my disability from everyone way into my adult life. I was so good at it that when I started telling people I have dyslexia no one believed me. Hell I graduated High school ,passed college entrance exams, and attended until it all became too much, it was a fight every assignment, every test was the fight of my life. And I am so proud of myself for making it, but I did it to fit in, I did it because I was too proud to ask for help, I just wanted to be normal. What scares me now is, it all really counts no more parents house, and high school now is when I have responsibilities and I am supposed to use those things I crammed, was taught, and took in to live my life. Problem is I forget easily, I can be confused easily, and honestly can’t do this on my own (wonder how I do every day) then add to this weight all of the people who count on me as the voice of reason, in any way possible I take care of everyone I can when they need me but can never really put into words what’s going on with me, likely because I forget the words when I need them or just don’t know them.

That song I lost the words to, beats in my head daily, some days are better than others but truth is I will never get all the words and it is so frustrating but it’s my life, and I’m scared because you can’t fix this I only want you to understand it. -Vonte

Dyslexia.

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A developmental reading disorder is a reading disability that occurs when the brain does not properly recognize and process certain symbols. It is also called dyslexia.

Wow what a freaking definition, okay well it’s different things to different people actually and has a few other effects besides just reading, hell reading the definition, I feel like I shouldn’t even be able to write. Let’s start with its not just a reading disability dyslexia can effect spelling, writing, and even speaking. I’ve read signs don’t always present themselves as early reading and spelling skills are concerned, it is when complex language skills and grammar are introduced things get all wonky. It becomes a social disability, before I truly understood what it was I had, I was scared to read aloud, but worried I would speak incorrectly or jumble words together while reading something effected my self esteem. I also read “dyslexia can also make it difficult for people to express themselves clearly. It can be hard for them to structure their thoughts during conversation” that statement couldn’t be more true it sometimes happens here in my writing. sometimes my brain works faster than my fingers other times I’ve rehearsed what I wanted to say so much I forget it, lose a whole train of thought.

It’s a lifelong condition I won’t outgrow it… And I’ve said this before but I learned to hide it so well from every single person that knows me, it was almost a relief to find out I actually had something and wasn’t just slow, or lazy. Dyslexia affects my short term memory dates and days can blur together attention to detail is a serious chore for me as memory is concerned I could learn you name see and talk to you a few times and still not be able to put a name to a face. So I promise to all my exes if I mixed details up it wasn’t me (laughs it really wasn’t though)

So how do I compensate for it? Man it’s 50% mental for the years of my life (after the episode when Theo found out he was dyslexic) I just refused to believe I couldn’t beat it, I had gone so long hiding it, to accept it back then well I couldn’t wrap my head around I knew, I liked to write, could not stand math, and I could read even if it meant I had to re-read a few times to get the point, so I flew with that and again lifelong condition there is no wrong way to deal with it. I even feel hiding it so adamantly helped me train myself.

What they say and I just love to hear about people with dyslexia is that we are more creative most likely because we have to think outside the box and many still go on to be entrepreneurs gives me hope that I will be the next Richard Branson, there are so many ideas in my head that are just so hard to get out and make since but I’ve latched on to one in the last few years just need the capital to make it happen so lottery win, I await ye.

But that’s what dyslexia is to me and it’s different to any others that have it, different symptoms other ways to cope. Lastly I read we can easily lose motivation or get frustrated often I don’t want to say easy and give up. Writing is part of my motivation I feel one of my creatives talents and readers are my motivation I wanted to start a YouTube page and speak these things maybe become famous but really writing it is the best way I can explain what I feel so I don’t have to get lost and do take after take to get it right. -Vonte